“The first cut is the deepest”, Cat Stevens - A journey through healing with EMDR

Trauma happens when there is a tear in the psyche, a betrayal, a hurt, an abandonment. But there is no repair. Nobody comes. Nobody soothes. Nobody helps.

These wounds are so deep that they sit at the very core of our identity, of who we believe ourselves to be.

Whether they come from childhood trauma, (big T), adverse experiences, (little t), they express themselves through five core identity wounds that we carry buried within us, often invisible to ourselves, into adulthood.

In this essay I discuss two.

There is the wound of responsibility and guilt

The child feels, or is made to feel, that they carry the burden of other people’s pain.

Perhaps the caregivers where unable to care, for reasons of their own trauma, of drugs, or emotional immaturity, or for emotional coldness that prevents them from loving their children. They’re caught up in their own lives, up and down emotionally and think little about what impact this may have.

The child feels deeply they are the reason Mommy is crying or Daddy is getting angry and breaking things.

They must be better: a better daughter, a better son, and then maybe Mummy will stop crying. They mustn’t be hungry, show that they are scared, or ask or demand anything.

They carry the burden of hurting others like a stone in their heart through life because the lie is that they are the cause of others pain, of others temper, others hardship.

They work hard to be good girls or boys, to be happy, to have no needs, because if they’re happy and successful they’re no longer a burden, no longer the cause of the pain they see in the person they love the most in the world.

There is the wound of lack of value, not good enough and shame

Others carry the wound of shame, of being somehow defaulty. Broken, should work better. They’re told, overtly or covertly they’re not good enough, must work harder, must get better grades, must study more. What other value are they going to have if not for achievement? Or it’s the opposite – and nobody cares.

The threat of rejection is looming, and the threat of rejection to any child activates real survival fear. Because only a minute ago in the history of the world, being rejected by caregivers meant we would most certainly die.

So we’ll do everything we can to protect the attachment, work harder, get better grades.

We plaster smile and a vivacious personality over the hidden pain.

We create fantastic lives in compensation

When it’s the wound of guilt we often become therapists, carers, the mother Theresa’s of the world. The best, most compassionate and selfless healer, sage, nurse, counsellor, holding others pain helps us sooth our own.

The biggest threat would be considered selfish, or uncaring.

So, we work harder, giving everything to others. Often going home alone to an empty house after holding others pain the whole day. Therapist burnout is a real thing.

Others build a life around ambition, achievement, success.

Climb the corporate ladder, coldly and “arrogantly” gaining greater accolades, working to hide the fearful truth underneath, that we still suspect we are not good enough.

We become the heads of large corporations; succeed and achieve, the titles, the houses, the investments, the wine collections, the cars. More, more and more.

When I started my journey as a coach, this is often where I would work. Helping people build incredible lives, to succeed and to achieve. And often this is the only right thing to do - to create the structures that hold us in a life that makes us proud.

Perhaps the original wound was brought on by a cold and abusive household - escaping that through achieving a life that is one of our very own, can be the best balm, the real win.

Because it works. It works for a while.

For a while, our work as healers and helpers, soothes the fear of being the “bird on the wire” (Leonard Cohen) of causing harm, being the cause of other people’s pain. We do more, help more, become greater healers, therapists, carers.

Or we picked the path of achievement, and our achievements keep our suspicions of not being good enough at bay. Silenced, for a while.

Until the structures break, something happens, the world collapses

We’re outmanoeuvred by the board, competitors take our market share, we get fired. The spouse leaves, the children don’t want to talk to us. Bankruptcy, divorce, redundancy.

Achieving our way out of this, simply does not work. The world around us is not “playing ball” anymore. What used to work doesn’t anymore. The confidence and bravado falls flat.

Or we’re taken so advantage of by others that it starts to feel humiliating. The toxic relationship where we are trying to rescue our abuser, reaches its pinnacle, the overwork and long hours are no longer doable. We face burnout, illness, injury in our aims to help and it becomes untenable.

Just like the achiever can’t achieve their way out of their crisis, the helper cannot help her or himself out of his.

Today many of my EMDR clients are in this place when they come to me. The world as they knew it has collapsed. The structure doesn’t hold anymore.

This is the choice point. The threshold...

Sometimes we try to refuse the collapse. We can go back into what used to work; work harder, achieve more, get another job, climb another ladder. Or in the case of the guilt-wound, help more, do more, be more for others.

We go to NLP, hypnotherapy, inner child work, spiritual work (mostly bypassing), get more coaching, do more talking therapy, but it just doesn’t change. No coaching or talking therapy even scratches the surface.

Until you meet the witness

“The only way out of pain is through it”. Mariska Hargitay, the female lead in Law and Order, describes the journey with her EMDR therapist, this journey into the darkest place of our own psyche, the cave, the shadow.

The journey begins when you feel you have someone who can stay for the duration, who is brave enough to stick with you, wise enough to understand you, courageous enough to help you confront the beast within.

Confronting the “beast in me” (Johnny Cash)

Gone are fantasies of spiritual bypassing, manifesting great lives, getting another trophy to fix the problem

The journey takes us to the very beginning. 

By revisiting the moments of rupture, the very events, and by confronting the illusion, the lies, the messaging, we can begin to unveil the truth.

This is a mortal battle with twists and turns and not for the fainthearted. We will journey back in time, to the moments that felt the worst for you, and in those moments confront the lies, the illusions, the shame and the blame.

People will change their character in front of your very eyes. Good people will turn out to be bad, bad people will turn out to be good. Nothing will be what it has seemed to be for years.

In that moment you will wrestle with the truth, be challenged, be full of doubt. But eventually you will see the truth. That you are innocent, you are free, you are not at fault.

You are valuable regardless of how anyone treated you.

No matter who they are or what they did. Nothing can touch the soul that light that is within.

Until next time

Nina

There are three ways you can work with Nina Madden. Affordable, in-person or online EMDR therapy, Futures NLP Coaching or by joining the ICF & ABNLP Accredited Diploma in Coaching and NLP.